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On Beyond

I'm a hack. If you want a good blog, go to my wife's blog

03 April 2010

Easter 2010

(This was a first draft written last night - if you can improve on it, please post a reply with your version.)

You know why Jesus came 2000 years ago?  To make sure He wouldn't get caught up in the 21st century quandary.

Planned Parenthood would try to convince Mary to "end the pregnancy". Assuming she listened to the council of the Church instead, Jesus would be taken from Mary immediately after birth and put in the custody of foster care. God would be charged and found guilty of statutory rape, but He would be let off on the technicality that the judge could not figure out if God had been present for the proceedings or in absentia.

If He made it to 33, the conservatives would nail him to a cross for blasphemy. He'd be pulled off the cross by the liberals who don't believe in the death penalty.  Then the conservatives would put him on permanent life-support because they believe in preserving life.

The Federal government would insist He be removed from life support because it isn't on the list of approved procedures under His federally mandated insurance policy. The foster family would sue to keep him on life support, while Mary and Joseph would claim that they had rights in the matter, and that He should be removed from life support so he could save the souls of the world.

Naturally, this would all go to the Supreme Court of the United States, which would declare that Congress has jurisdiction in the matter, because eternal salvation can be considered a form of commerce. Congress would pass a law creating the "National Salvation Agency", which would be given the authority to make regulations pertaining to this life and the afterlife. There would likely be riders on the bill to provide funding for manufacturers of hotdog casings in all cities named Kalamazoo, with a secondary bill stating that if the owners of hotdog casing manufactures in cities named Kalamazoo happen to be members of congress or families of members of congress, the congressmen can not be investigated by congress nor changed with any crimes related to conflict of interest on the "National Salvation Agency" bill.

Atheists would sue claiming violation of separation of church and state. Supreme court would claim the equal protection clause gave authority to congress in matters of religion that "do or might reasonably be expected to pertain to more than one person".

Minority groups would claim that Jesus' jewish heritage in addition to his claim to be the messiah, proved He is a racist. They would hold a "million messiah march" in Washington DC. It wouldn't serve any purpose that anyone else could understand. To ensure the public safety, congress would declare that the only street vendors allowed during the event would be hotdog stands.

We'd be waiting on our salvation for a very long time.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


14 August, 2010 17:21  
Anonymous mud said...


14 August, 2010 17:23  

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